Ten Days


"ten days have passed since the last time. ten days never meant anything to me, but now they mean more than the life i lived. and i really mean more. if i could only see her face once again. just another look in her eyes. i know now that i love her. i definitely do. this can't be anything else. i fall asleep so late every night, with nothing but a sweet smile on my face, just remembering when her fingers touched mine. for ten days i have been doing the same thing, looking into the emptiness left after her magnificent smile, hearing only echoes of her sweet voice, going only to the places she went, and touching the things she touched. she is so beautiful. i love her. did i say she has the voice of an angel? i probably did, or maybe i forgot, just as i forgot everything i learned in an instant, all i want is another look into her hazel eyes. i have to be there when she comes. i have to meet her again. i must see her. but i have to look perfect, act perfect, talk perfect. she deserves only perfection. she is so special.. but how can i be so? God, i feel so little now. i feel so weak and undeserving. how can i change.. just how can i.. but then even if i change, will i be perfect? , will i be really what she deserves?, i dont know, i don't think so. oh God, why have you created me so less. i know i will never be good enough for her, but i have to see her, i can't live without seeing her.. she is my life, my warmth.. then... i'll have to hide again, like the last time, yes, it will be great. i will spend many hours watching her, without making her notice.. yes , i am smart. i can wait for ever without getting tired or impatient.. yes yes, like i did many times when i was a little boy, i used to hide from mom for hours whenever she had a fight with papa, and she would search for me everywhere, i am smart. but if i hide, like the last time, i wouldn't be able to hear her sweet voice, like last time, i wanted to get closer but i couldn't find a closer hiding place. but wait.. if she decides to go to the library on her way home, maybe i could get so close to her like last time, last time was the best time i had in my life, yes, yes, last time she touched my hands.. she made me so happy, she even smiled to me.. it is when she takes her way to the library that i can pass her by in the narrow entrance door of the library, she will touch my hand again.. yes , yes. but what if she doesn't go to the library tomorrow, i can't live without looking in her eyes again. i love her. maybe i can keep her. no, no, no, that would be too dangerous, that would hurt her.. but it would make me see her everyday. like when i liked the neighbours cat, and she would come to play with me, but in the end she would always return to our neighbour's.. i remember what i did, yes, i kept her. i cought her, and tied her up, and then she made a loud noise so i hit her on the head, yes i am very smart, it hurts but it will keep her quite, like i do when mom hits me on the head. yes , yes, i will do that to her tomorrow. i will get rope, and i will get a big sharp knife so i could cut the rope with it, i will also get my baseball bat, so i could hit her on the head, like i did to the cat, then i can look at her everyday. "

"honey! what are you doing up there in the dark attic so long? "

"aaaaa..nothing mom, am coming"

"if you don't do the things i told you to do , you know where you are going to spend the night honey right??"

"y..yes mom"